Transforming from the “white crow”

@the author of the post, Bay, 2017

I am from Central Asia, where when I was growing up, I often felt like a “white crow” – I felt I didn’t belong there. In most of the photos, I often noticed that my eyes were sad. This started changing after leaving abroad to get my bachelor’s degree. And now in Europe after many years I feel at home, I feel full, I know what energises me, and I know that journey continues.

Since leaving my home country, I have lived in six countries with the only goal not to go back to where I was born. And now I found my peace and groundedness in Europe – Sweden. This was where I felt safe and happy. In Sweden I started daily meditation practices, I knew that writing a master’s thesis would not be easy. I found a way to connect with nature through hiking; the eco-systems of forests gave me energy. My first 20k hiking along the seashores was in Sweden. I got lucky: not only I could manage to complete the hike, but more – to enjoy the magnificent views. Because some time ago, I was one of those individuals, who thought why people would hike at all?

In Sweden I spotted my burning out and what habits and choices led to it. And reviving of my confidence and well-being [that is still in progress] has started in Sweden too. Once, I was jogging in the forest-park with my favourite light and energetic music on. This combination of jogging, the forest environment, music, and enjoying the present moment – reminded me of a strong feeling of happiness, which filled my whole body with warmth, excitement and a desire to create. These all kept me strong during Covid, Swedish winter, studying from home, and completing my thesis. And now apparently, I love cold and rainy weather, contrast showers, saunas, and jumping into an ice-cold lake.

What I have achieved was with the help of the habit of throwing myself into something that I feared, in order to fight the fear, so it would not influence my life choices. And in Sweden, I understood how to take care of myself and start the journey of loving and caring for myself. This helped me to connect with the outside world in a more meaningful way. Moreover, it led to the discovery and awareness of things that give pleasure to my mind and soul like being in the present moment and looking at something with a beginner’s and fresh mind.

Re(rooting) circles have shed light, like the books “Brida” and “The Witch of Portobello” by Paulo Coelho I liked reading, about magic, and witchcraft, and that nature is more than humans can imagine – it is not only what we can see and touch. Re(rooting) circles reminded me of wanting to be a part of a female circle, feeling the feminine energy, and the power of unification and like-minded counterparts that you have not met before. My journey to understanding “what I am” and “how I am” still continues. With knowledge and experience comes reflection, happiness, and light. My eyes are not only sad now, they can be full of energy, brightness, love, and compassion …. Life is hard, complex, stressful, and traumatic, and also it is full of energy, love, compassion, support, and happiness.